Be Brave

喜

2011-03-12T07:49:00.000-08:00

2011年3月12号

和真开始觉得幸福

可能是魏家幸福号小两口带我吃牛扒的感染

可能是厦门文化中心的热闹

可能是洪爸那一句不够再找老爸要

可能是因为找到工作签下房子

脑袋里那么多思绪全部

汇成一个念想

我们各自独立

才好彼此牵挂

---和真的饭否

用手机发饭否居然出现文字遗漏-.- 此文记录更多细节。

今晚跟魏家幸福号夫妻出门吃饭，坐了超市的班车，穿过了隧道。在厦门这么久都是住在他们家，两个人跟我爹我妈似的，把我照顾的服服帖帖。我也潜意识里把魏先生当成我爹，他下班回家就会想跟他汇报一下我一天的经历。魏太太呢，则太可爱了，像个小女孩。上上周的时候还带我去她婆婆家看他们的宝贝，他们家宝贝才5岁，真是个泡妞高手

"姐姐你的裤子为什么破了"

-.-

"破掉的裤子就不要穿了嘛，以后我长大了赚很多钱，然后给爷爷钱，然后剩下的都给你。"

"那你妈妈呢？"

"妈妈自己有很多钱"

-.-

所以我在他们家住的都不想走了，哈哈哈。我害怕一个人，害怕孤独。在这里我觉得很温暖。

定下工作了，找到房子了。要开始继续向前走了。要勇敢一些。

彭于晏在六号出口里面说，如果青春注定就是要不断地向前跑,他妈的,什么时候我才会跑到出口。

希望我的青春能长一点，希望我能拥有不断跑下去的能力，希望我的青春安好。

还有令人感动的洪爸。关键时刻一点都不掉链子。你果然是一个好爸。加油，换了新的轨道要加油，今年也祝你找到老婆吧。

虽然我埋怨你说，在我来厦门之前你把这儿形容的跟天上人间一样，等我到了，见你一面都难。但是在我困难的时候，你跟我却只有一条短信的间隔。我真的很感动。谢谢你洪爸！虽然你没有带我吃你那念念不忘的土笋冻（我自己去吃了，不是那么赞，加芥末还可以，我喜欢吃比较大条的沙虫！啊哈哈我刚刚去google了一下沙虫。。看图真是吓死人。）叫你老爸叫久了你还真成我老爸了，瞧你给我回的短信，真是够有气势的。

所以到现在为止一切都还很好。我爱你们亲爱的朋友们。谢谢你们。

2011-03-12T07:20:00.001-08:00

我在看别人的博客的时候，总会想到你。分手这么久，还是想你，我却不敢写出来。我恨你，想你的时候却也会阵阵恶心。

但是怎么样我都是在想着你，不管是把你想成王子还是混蛋。

你一定觉得你是胜利了吧，所以那天我给你打了电话之后，你就参加了"前女友给你打电话说想你你会怎么回答"的问题。声明一下，我给你带电话并没有说我想你，但是我的确是给你打电话了。可惜我看不到你的答案。

我还是会不争气的去你的空间偷偷看你，被你发现之后你居然把我屏蔽了。

今天我终于要在博客里面写一写你。

因为今天魏家夫妇带我去吃牛排。但是我点了焗饭。在某某地方的时候，每次你总喜欢拉我去吃牛排，你每次都跟我说某某家很好吃，但是很不凑巧，每次去的时候他们做的都不好。

第一次做的太老，第二次全部都是血，你跟我说没关系，你说要是平时跟朋友在一起的时候你早就发飙了，但是跟我在一起的时候，你总是觉得很平静，还有就是不想吓到我。

说这话的时候，你正坐在我的左手边，你握着我的手，一边吃饭。你是左撇子，我喜欢你是左撇子。所以我们每次吃饭都坐在同一排。

但是今天我没有吃牛排，记忆中的牛排是不好吃的，而且我真的比较喜欢吃焗饭。这一次没有人会把切好的牛排送到我的嘴边。

你现在不知道我在哪里，这个城市却到处都让我想起你，比如这边有叫小蜜蜂的超市，还有你的名字到处都看得见。记得当时我是小蝴蝶你是胖蜜蜂。我又想起当年我们跟学妹们一起在客厅打地铺睡觉这样，学妹说醒来看见我们两睡梦中还牵着手，差点就帮我们拍照片了，哈哈。你也许你不记得了。

我真的想你了。想你，也恨你。怎么办，我只能把这些充斥在我脑海里的东西全部挖出来丢掉。这一阵子经常要梦见你和现在的女朋友，梦里会难受，明明是很简单的梦境，却每次都要吓醒。而再次睡过去的话，这样的梦却不依不饶的追赶我。

我真恨你。恨你说的那些话。我的心被你伤透了。但是没有办法对吗？我只能默默地想着你，不争气的想着你。跟你打一个最后的电话。我们都在电话里哭，我说这样你就能释然吧。最后的最后我都在想着你，我不是说我自己伟大，至少我能做一个称职的前女友吧。

但是原来你对我的那些承诺可以随便的找新的女孩子开始。哈哈，这让我觉得你之前对我说的话真是一文不值。原来我不是特别的那个，只是出现在你身边，当时的better selection。我都忘了你当初可以跑到别的省跟人家ONS然后还对人家情深意重的。所以对于我也是一场戏么。哈哈我居然相信你的"我暗恋你三年了"。

突然不知道该写什么。这些事情我都不应该再想了。我不应该想。时间啊，请你过得快一点吧。

2011-03-12T01:32:00.000-08:00

工作找到了房子找到了

一切好像都安顿好了可是为什么我的内心那么的不安

2011-03-10T03:48:00.001-08:00

妈妈我爱你。

2011-03-04T01:18:00.001-08:00

在我们每个人的内心深处，都藏着一个人，每次想起他的时候会觉得有一点点心痛。但我们依然愿意把他留在心底。就算今天我不知道他在哪里；他在做些什么。但至少知道，是他让我了解什么是"初恋这件小事"。

——《初恋这件小事》

2011-03-03T05:25:00.001-08:00

心情又差到极点。是要怎样，这是我的生活，你凭什么因为想甩掉你的包袱而来push我？是要怎样，为什么要一次次把我的伤口撕开。是要怎样，我好不容易康复，你还要一次次把我打翻在地吗？是要怎样，我已经恳求了你多少次，你却每次嘲笑我的态度？

是要怎样

所以在你们面前，我要装出无所谓的样子，所以在你们面前，我要装出一副骄傲的样子，因为如果我向你低头了，只会被你踩向更低的深处。有多少次我想像个孩子一样，寻找你温柔的怀抱，但是我的泪水只会换来你的不屑。不论我多努力，你永远都在埋怨我，不论我做出怎样的成绩，你永远都看不起我。

我是要怎么做？我真的好累，好累。

知道吗？我觉得很好笑，我居然在你面前哭的像个孩子，我居然把我的内心告诉你，你那时候安慰我。哈哈，都是假的，片刻的安慰接下来我面对的是不知道要持续多久的嘲笑，你用我的伤口来嘲笑我。哈哈哈。当我想忘记我的过去的时候，你居然要每时每刻的提醒着我。哈，多么愉悦。

哈哈哈我觉得我一定是疯了，我觉得这一切都不正常，但是我不知道是哪里出了问题。

2011-03-01T16:18:00.001-08:00

狀態在慢慢變好，身邊的每個人都在努力地生活，我也要。我不要放棄，不要悲觀，我要開心的活著。

加油喲。和真。

加油。

2011-02-28T17:27:00.001-08:00

昨天晚上胃痛

痛的死去活來，連下樓買止痛藥的力氣都沒有。拿起電話卻不知道打給誰。想起何劍超提起的"楊鬱鬱偶爾的溫柔"，下意識的就打給了他。在這個時候，無論是誰，只要有溫柔就好。

於是躺在床上，在"楊鬱鬱偶爾的溫柔下"，突然覺得很累很累。慢慢的睡了過去。

2011-02-27T03:26:00.001-08:00

這是我在廈門看見的第一縷陽光。

回家整整一個月，心情終於微微的穩定了下來。

當在爸爸的車上醒來的時候，看到第一眼的是叫"翔安"路牌，還有很多棕櫚樹。我突然想努力回想起北京，可是腦袋里一片空白，只能想到東城區，西城區，五道口這三個名字。北京變成了一個很遙遠很遙遠的過去。

很遙遠很遙遠的過去。我已經記不得踩着高跟鞋獨自走過的街道，記不得那些和亲爱的CRM team加班的夜晚，記不得夏天的炎熱，记不得在哪个街头哭过，记不得在KTV唱过的整夜的歌，记不得有多少人赞过我做饭好吃，记不得我亲爱的室友，那个一开始连做饭打火都会害怕的女孩子，你现在过得好不好？我真的想你了，我这样离开你回来了，你是不是还在讨厌我？请不要讨厌我，在你面前，我是一个那么小的女孩子，请不要讨厌我，回想起我的时候请回想起那个我拍着你入眠的夜晚好吗？原来我是那么想你。

原来我们在被抛弃的同时，也抛弃了别人。

我今天去了教堂。我又坐错了公车。我去了竹树堂。今天布道的是一位台湾牧师，他说，他原来以为主要让他做大事，当他怀着这个信念，却遭遇不如意的时候，他听到主的声音，主说，他要让他做更大的事。

竹树堂外面的小市场，地上摆满了海鲜，张牙舞爪，活蹦乱跳。看起来让人觉得是那么的欢喜。

我顺着街道，慢慢的走了下去。那些走过的街道，不细细找，也许再也找不到，古老的楼房，不起眼的小店，门口的阿姨，卖的好吃的白糖伦教糕，却没有人和我分享入口时的那份喜悦。

我在厦门，一个人。这个城市似乎不欢迎像我这样孤独的旅人。我记得当年和弟弟在鼓浪屿上喝豆花的时候，店里的老妈妈叫我小宝贝，一切都是欢喜的。如今一个人的我，似乎生怕沾染了我的孤寂。我不知道应该留下来，还是离开。是厌倦了漂泊，却还流离失所。

乐观要表演到多少分数

2011-02-25T18:27:00.001-08:00

和真啊，要撑住

就算是一个人，也要很勇敢。

今天我在珍珠灣

2011-02-24T18:46:00.001-08:00

hey，今天我在珍珠灣，想給你聽海的聲音。

珍珠灣，真是一個美好的名字，我想與你一起聽海的聲音，我想穿著長長的裙子，赤腳與你一起漫步在沙灘上。

2011-02-23T08:26:00.000-08:00

那么你有没有相识的经历呢？

明明知道不是真的，但居然还单纯的，满怀心意的去期待，去等待，当心情被落空，也不会失望，下一轮到达的时候，依旧会期待？

会有和我一样的心情么？

然后即使被欺骗，却依旧很开心，不知道这样是成全自己还是成全对方。

明白我的意思么？

就好像圣诞老人一样，明明知道没有，但是在平安夜的时候，突然有个圣诞老人出现在你面前，你知道他不是真的，他只是假扮的，大街上这样的人太多太多，但是你依旧很开心，依旧叫他圣诞老人，你的快乐是真实的，即使这个老人没有礼物送给你。

好像一场戏呢，彼此配合了彼此的欢喜。

我是个任性又固执的女孩。我站在河流的上方，等着远方到来的人来带我走。

好了写一写开心的事情，这个周末我将决定我的工作，不论是什么，我都要接受。周末的时候我要找到自己的房子。

我不能说现在的何蓁真的很好。但是正如我到北京的第一天，什么都没有，什么也不会失去。

我在厦门的街道上，总是会迷路，在马路的对面，永远找不到我要乘坐的那辆公车，亦或是每每总要眼睁睁的看着公车在我眼前开走，等到下一辆总是要很久，不耐烦就要挥手招呼计程车。

厦门的马路，好像永远也走不到尽头。厦门似乎没有直的路，路没有明显的边界，不像北京，七平八稳，每条路都有一个九十度的直角，每个路都有一个挺拔的路标。

可是我也渐渐习惯了这里，习惯了每次如同越野搬狂奔的公车，好吧，我本来想列举出一些排比句来证明我已经习惯了这里，好吧，习惯公车是第一步。厦门的公车很好玩，很多站点都会有很多车停靠，常常站牌前都要站着一堆在研究的人。车上播放的节目中常常能看到流行歌手，有些车也用闽南语报站。

我的生活在这里还么有开始，但是即将开始。现在是三月了。很好，三月。

PS 今天在软件园，遇见搭讪的帅哥以及他假装无意的回头哈哈！

手欠的清晨

2011-02-22T17:40:00.001-08:00

這是個手欠的清晨！！

早安，晨之美！！

這裡不是那麼糟糕對嗎！我還可以從這裡到台北玩！還可以從這裡去深圳找R先生還有Poshi！如果我的好朋友要結婚了，我還能穿上她給我們準備的伴娘裝！

廈門不是那麼糟糕對嗎！這裡有很多朋友！這裡的每個人都對我很好~

這個週末不管怎樣，我要找到屬於我的小屋！嘿木同學回歸了！

木同學在這裡不是寂寞的一個人！要努力！！夏天有美麗的沙灘等著我！哈哈！！

無論是怎樣，邁出下一步！！！

不应该等待，而应该自己去寻找新的人生和惊喜。

謝謝謝謝陪伴在我身邊的每一位朋友。

我知道你們在那裡。

出發！

對於未來竟然不願意再邁出一步

2011-02-20T22:17:00.000-08:00

早上醒來的時候，腦袋裡突然就冒出了這麼一句：對於未來竟然不願意再邁出一步。

以前的我告訴自己，就算不知道目的地在哪，也不能停下腳步。原來我已經不知不覺停下了腳步，我的狀態不好，可是我沒有想像到我的狀態是這麼的不好。

我想逃開，我害怕被束縛，現在的我已經被恐懼感包圍。對於未來竟然不願意再邁出一步。

2010-11-28T23:59:00.000-08:00

就让我迷失在这个世界。

全部的，都不要。就剩我一个人，有多好。

Snow Patrol - Run (official video)

2010-11-09T21:46:00.000-08:00

2010-11-04T23:32:00.001-07:00

加班回到家已经是九点多，直接爬到床上看电影。PPS上面的电影很多，不知道看什么好。偶然点开一部，是动画片，于是就想到弟弟了。

十月新番里找到新出的荒川爆笑团，是弟弟介绍给我看的。弟弟说，这个片子很搞笑，但是后来变得很温情。弟弟还跟我推荐了电影，说是一部感人的电影。不知不觉，弟弟已经长大了，已经不是我印象中的孩子。

那个小时候要我抱着上厕所，睡觉要拉着我的衣服，吃饭要我讲故事喂他才肯吃的弟弟，那个小时候只能看着我打游戏的小弟弟，后来开始会跟妈妈打我的小报告，开始跟我争电视遥控器打架，开始跟我一起打游戏的弟弟，会叫我帮他的游戏过关的弟弟，开始会帮我整理房间的弟弟，到后来成为游戏高手，需要帮我过关的弟弟。哈哈，真是长大了吧。

小时候会跟我说，姐姐，等我明年的时候，长高了，长的比你高了，这样我们牵手走在外面的时候，别人会不会觉得我是你男朋友啊。

小时候吃饭的时候，要假装自己的嘴巴是山洞，勺子是由姐姐驾驶的飞机，才愿意吃下去。

小时候个子太小，坐在椅子上就够不到桌子，需要在椅子上再放上一本巨型字典才能够到饭碗。

小时候我去看你的时候，害怕我半夜走掉，睡觉前还要紧紧的拉着我的衣服，我看你睡着了，轻轻地动了一下，你就一下惊醒，眼里有泪水，说姐姐你不要走。那么小的你，如今回想起来都还是历历在目。

我不记得第一次看见你我的心情是怎么样的，因为那时候我也很小，我在上三年级。我很高兴有了一个小弟弟，你从小就长的那么好看，每个人都喜欢你，我记得有一天停电的夜晚，妈妈去上班，爸爸也不在家，我一个人给你摇着摇篮，我好像有点不高兴，不小心把摇篮给掉到了地上，还记得小时候想喂你奶喝，但是因为太烫了，把你弄哭，还被妈妈爸爸骂了一顿，问我是不是想把你弄成哑巴。小时候你说一句爸爸我想要变形金刚，我从来没有见过爸爸速度那么快，马上出去就给你买回来。他们觉得我嫉妒你，甚至连妈妈也说，蓁阿，虽然你爸爸说不偏心，但是他其实还是很偏心的。但这又有什么关系呢？我爱你，弟弟，我希望所有的人都爱你，这些人对我怎么样，我是不在乎的。至于偏心不偏心，真的无所谓，我从来没有嫉妒过你得到更多的爱，因为我还要给你更多更多的爱。

后来你上学了，我们在一起的时间少了，只有暑假寒假的时候才能在一起。你那时候会看我打游戏，超级玛丽，记得吗。我们还联合一气，欺负其他的小孩。会用家里的大枕头扮演骑恐龙的游戏，你喜欢跟我扮演不同的角色，但是我总是很懒，跟你说，弟弟，我演那个，生病的病人吧，然后我躺在船上就一动不动了。然后你给我各种治疗，哈哈，自己玩的很开心。小时候你爱跑到，总缠这我说，姐姐，我们打球吧，我要么就装睡，要么就不理你。现在想起来有点后悔了哈。

我记得，三年级的你，最难搞定，经常打我的小报告，"姐姐偷看电视！""姐姐不做作业！！""姐姐打我！"。从此我就得出一个结论，三年级的小孩子最难搞定。

时间过得很快，回想起来在弟弟身边的时间真的很少。一年可能都只有寒暑假，现在上了班了，一年能见面的时间更少了。记得工作第一年的冬天回到家，从火车站出来，远远看到了爸爸，妈妈，然后身边突然出现一个人，瘦瘦高高的，一把拎起我的行李箱就走，我愣了一下，眼圈就红了。是弟弟，一年没有见，长得比我还要高。

弟弟很乖，很听我的话，弟弟很喜欢我给他打电话，但是我常常忘记打。。。弟弟的秘密都会告诉我，不开心的事情也会跟我说。现在弟弟上高一，很忙，很累，周末的时候都要睡很久。现在是班长，很厉害。

弟弟是我看着长大的，是我这辈子要守护的人。

他在我心里的地位，永远是第一。

这篇日记在草稿箱里放了很久，拿出来写写改改，却不知道怎么写下去，因为一些特殊的原因，我没有机会带弟弟出去玩，大部分时间都是在家里度过。

我想我弟弟，我想要他在我身边，我给他买最好的东西，让他认识很多人，让他做很多他喜欢做的事情。我想让他成为最快乐的人。

我要努力，弟弟，我爱你。

2010-11-04T02:15:00.000-07:00

Just finished setting up a dev enviroment for my team and currently i have nothing to do. It is probably that I have to work overtime again tonight. Sigh, my team memebers are having a busy schedule and need to work until almost 10pm to go home. And I have to wait them finish jobs to carry out the testing part.

I am just not a tough girl and those devs just kept ignoring my suggestions then in the meeting of the next day, the boss in America will raise the same issue and it is like that i have done nothing to monitor their work!!
It is just how can I make those dev stay at office to fix the bugs when it is 10pm! It is just cruel...So all my resposiblity? It is all about the damn working plan...

Why i cant just yell out that it is not my fault! See, I asked for leave and the boss agreed. I have asked the teams members and they are sure that my absence wont do any bad to the project. Then, oh now, it is all my fault now? How can you blame a tester that hasnt taken apart in the project.

got work to do now ...

2010-11-03T00:59:00.000-07:00

yeah, i guess i should starting blogging again.

Recently my body is not very good, headache, stomach pains, ear pains. The headache is killing me, i cant even fall asleep. And the office is hot like summer while everybody is wearing sweater. OMG it is just, what a winter.
I am thinking about quiting the job, the idea is becoming stronger every day.

But what shall i do in the next job? I just feel that i am such a useless girl. I cant do any thing good. Who in hell would hire me?

I should go and kill myself. hahahaha

Yeah, death is just happening in a second and then, wholalla, no worries, no pain.

Physical pain wont hurt me anymore. Sometimes it is even a good way to distract me. It sounds like that i am such a bitter girl ha?

Yes i am. I AM DESPRATED NOW!!!!

No more pretending that i am good i am ok , i am just desprated now. OMG come to save me someone!!!!

Tired and lost...

I HATE MY JOB NOW!!!
Damn the company! Hate them!

2010-10-14T00:30:00.000-07:00

Now, am i having the life i want?

Is it enough that i am with someone i like? Is it important i am enjoying the 100% freedom? I know what i want but i just dont think i can get it. Thus i am fearing to face my real desire. OH what a coward i am !!!For my whole life, I have always been given up things, pretending i cared nothing about that. Am i really happy with my choices? I now start questioning myself without getting answers.

2010-10-12T04:07:00.001-07:00

she said that love is like a stone holding in ur hand
if you want to find a better one you have to let go the hand one
but the better one is deep in the river.
He jumped into the river. He said that i will find it.

看电视剧的时候，电视里面说，爱情就像握在手中的一颗石子，如果你想找到一个更好的，就要放下手中的那颗。

而最好的那颗，沉在了水底。

女配角说完了这一番话，男配角就跃入水中，说，我一定会为你找到那颗最美的石子。

是过了有多久，如今的我还是不懂爱。我放不下手心的那颗石子，因为害怕它流离失所。我不敢追求，唯唯诺诺。我以为是我在选择别人，却发现原来我始终是为别人而活在这个世界上。

2010-10-12T01:35:00.000-07:00

i havent blogged for a long time even i blog i didnt write down all my feelings. It is becoming harder and harder for me to explore into myself.

I now am fearing to know what exactly i want and what exactly i am facing. All i am doing is being drifted around, let life fool me up.

Haha do you enjoy that?
I wanted to be a good person but now i am such a jerk...

hahhhhaaaaaahah.......................

why i am feeling that i am completely lost my self?

2010-10-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

刚刚开过会，会议上刚刚说了上班的时候不能开视频，我现在已经忘记，已经开了youtube的Jim Brickman的beautiful world 来听。

我想一想，9月24号是外婆的忌日。今年回家，到坟上看看了。雨天，路很不好走，小腿被野草挂出了伤口。坟上长了草，我怎么也拔不起来。但是妈妈力气很大。

站在坟前，哭了。我不知道为什么，害怕在爸爸妈妈面前哭，但是从小在他们面前哭得次数也不算少，可能只是害怕他们看到我软弱的一面。

在爸爸妈妈面前，我一直表现得什么都不在乎，我害怕让他们知道我其实在乎很多东西，其实我是个胆小的孩子，但是我习惯了表现出不在乎的样子。就算在他们面前哭，也只能是因为小时候挨打才能哭。就算高三年的时候，学习压力很大，晚上睡不好，考试没有考好，也习惯装出一幅，我无所谓的样子。

我好想外婆。站在她的坟前的时候，却没有任何感应，是不是因为我做了很多不好的事情，所以外婆不想要我了？

其实我在乎这个在乎那个，但是我只是表现出不在乎的样子。

有什么东西可以比得上我宝贵的家人呢？

2010-07-28T22:45:00.000-07:00

当一个人想从别人身上获得到什么，那么他就被牵绊。我觉得人啊，还是自由的好。

2010-07-27T01:36:00.000-07:00

近一个月都没有工作，每天在办公室昏昏欲睡。爸爸妈妈弟弟来北京，本来是很开心的事情，可是这几天也让他们受了不少委屈。我做的不对，做的不够好。
We should be happy. I dont know what to say. I wanna cry. I could not write down the details because i am afraid recalling it in the future. That is me. I never wrote down sad things for i am fearing reading those memories. Beijing is experiencing the hottest summer in history and so i am experiencing a tough feelings.
I feel tears are going to burst out when standing in front of my family. I wanna hold their hands and tell them how much i love them how much i want to devote to them. But what they saw is a pity me--a thin weak girl who sturggling in beijng with little salary.
They dont accept my "love". They feel sad when i am paying for them. In their eyes i can never grow up -- unless i earn "100...00000"
But i cant wait. I dont even know when can i earn so much money. But i cannot wait -- since my grandma passed away i just realize that i cant wait any more.
I want to devote to you, now, at this moment and till i die. Although my salary is not high, with good arrangement i could still live a good life. I know money is not the only way to express my love, but u know i love you and now spend money on u is the only way that i could do.
Am i pathetic?
yes i think so

I love Radio!

2010-07-14T03:09:00.000-07:00

I love radio!

Listening to the radio online in the office and maybe one song will remind me another song...Now on radio is
Karma Police by radiohead.
Absolution by Muse
Victor,fly me to Staffor by My Little Airport

在这个阴沉的天气

2010-07-12T03:28:00.000-07:00

我想外婆了。

前几天蹲在地上收拾东西，突然看到外婆给我买的那个手表，顿时泪就下来了。今天看了看以前的博客，想外婆想的很。

来北京之后不知道哭过多少回，我本来就是个爱哭鬼，上了大学后哭得少了，结果那几年该留的泪水似乎在毕业后的一年内全部流了出来。一个人可以忘记要哭泣，一个人也可以在路上哭得很放肆。

外婆，我想你，可是我除了流泪之外却什么也不能做。我把对于你的记忆尘封了起来，可是不小心看到的时候，还是止不住伤心。你走的时候我居然没有第一时间知道，也没能回去看你。今年春节，我回去了，我想去看看你，可是我居然没有勇气说出这样的请求。我想说，我想去看看外婆。但是这个念头，都要哽咽在嗓子里。妈妈说要不要去舅妈家，我说不要，因为我害怕我会一下子在别人的面前哭出来。后来我还是去了，我还是在大家的面前哭了起来，大家都当作没有看见的样子。

我又哭了外婆，我知道这样不好，要下雨了，我要回去了。

我爱你外婆，永远永远。我爱你。

2010-07-05T06:03:00.001-07:00

獨自在家裡一遍又一遍的看著足球賽的重播。小涼席，落地扇。還有何小P清新的歌聲。親愛的閨蜜這周要來旅行。好熱，今年的夏天好熱。

我依稀的記得，似乎去年的北京并沒有這麼熱，6點下班的時候，已經有了小涼風。晚上做飯的時候，廚房也很清涼。月光下晾頭髮的時候，是有些些許的涼意。

2010-07-01T00:13:00.000-07:00

困。
这几个周末都过得满满的。上上个周末颐和园大游行，上个周末公司项目组一起出去玩。平时还会跑到同事家里做饭。于是就觉得累的缓不过劲来。时间这样过了也好。
小蝴蝶的小脑袋又开始疼了。
已经连续上火一个月，每天都是嗓子疼，疼得难受，但是自己却又不好好吃饭，又不会忌口，所以都是自作自受。虽然喜欢做饭给别人吃，但是已经好久没有人做好饭喊我吃饭了！！
“我回来了！”“饭做好了！”----哎呀哎呀，这是多年前的场景了..................现实情况咧，是我下班顺路去超市买袋泡面，回去三分钟煮好了，端着锅边吃边看电视。
我在想，最近有什么生活可以值得记录下来的吗？或者最近有什么好的想法？我好像很久没有思考些什么，很久没有感叹些什么，最近的生活，匆忙得不得了。
我想我得好好睡一觉，在我小小的房间里，有我的大熊和猩猩，还有室友。这样我才能睡得比较安心。我的房间里还有一条金鱼，可以听到它吐水泡泡的声音。我常常会忘记它，它却自己生长的很好。或许我该拣到一只很依赖我的小狗。
我喜欢依赖别人，也喜欢被人依赖，这样两个人互相需要，才觉得失去的可能性比较小。但是我也过得很洒脱，很目中无人。有时候，我是个贪玩的人，对于我要的，就会情不自禁伸手去探，甚至忽略了我所处的位置。

What would my life become?

2010-07-01T00:11:00.000-07:00

What would my life look like in the following twenty years?
Just didnt realize that i have been 23 years old for a while. This should be the age that girls enjoyed the wonderfully life. But i have been thinking about what comes after my 25......

My family is pushing me to find a lovely partner who would love me till death who should be rich who should have kind-hearted and who should have outstanding appearance. It does not seem that that is me who need to find a partner but my family want a son-in-law.

I was from a small town in the south-east: fujian province. There are lots of rich people who were poor but earned a living by stealing into Americas, Janpan or some other foreign countries and managed to be worthy by restaranting mostly. They earned money in abroad and spent it at home. Their lives might be hard abroad but when they returned, they always look the best. Fujian province, especially in my hometown, is the least place that lack of rich people. They are people with brave heart and wise brain. They are the people who go out for the people stayed. They are the family who my parents want me to marry. But I dont.

Am I still to naiive?

2010-06-29T23:46:00.000-07:00

其实我很喜欢别人摸我的头。这样我整个人都乖了起来，全身的警惕都放了下来，觉得自己成了一只世界上最快乐的小狗。

2010-04-29T23:40:00.000-07:00

天氣漸漸好了起來，溫度美好的讓我願意什麽都不想。坐在工作間里，背後是大大的窗戶，甚至能感覺到陽光從後面而來的觸摸。真是美好，真是美好，美好到我願意什麽都不想，好像是一個在海邊的假期。

好想唱一整夜的KTV；這樣的我是不是算失敗；

2010-04-28T05:20:00.000-07:00

每次和媽媽打完電話心情都會很差。我不知道現在的我是不是算失敗。在媽媽眼裡我想我是過的失敗的，我一個人漂泊在外，每月的工資剛剛好夠生活，沒有結婚的對象，一個人身體又不好。她每次打電話都想給我介紹這樣那樣的對象，又埋怨我離得太遠，相親也不信，只好互留QQ號，網上聯繫。上次給我介紹了一個，在QQ上聊的很不開心，是個好色的胖子。可是媽媽看他的照片就覺得很喜歡，覺得是有福之人，覺得他能考上公務員是何等的厲害。這次又要給我介紹一個，媽媽說看過照片就覺得不喜歡，可是爸爸還是把他的QQ號給了我。因為他家裡很有錢很有錢。
那又怎樣呢？
我現在的生活很好很好，我一個人在北京過的很自由，我每天上班遲到，下班有時候要加班，住的地方離公司只要走5分鐘。上班的時候可以打扮的漂漂亮亮的，不過大部份時間我比較懶。每月的工資剛剛好夠花，足夠我和朋友出去玩或者買喜歡的衣服。雖然也不是那麼購花，買了這件喜歡的衣服也許下一件就要等一陣子。
啊現在還沒有下班。也許我要更努力生活。

from there to here

2010-04-20T08:46:00.001-07:00

I have not enjoyed music like this for a long time. Yes. That is so nice. I crawled back in my blanket and a song started to play, a song from trembling blue star- from a pale blue rosary.

No more words want to say

Let's be quiet, quiet……….

雨天的清晨

2010-04-18T22:35:00.001-07:00

今天早上出門的時候，發現外面下過了雨，地面是濕漉漉的。4月19日。北京的春天。下過雨後風越發的暖和了，帶著一點點的濕度，帶著一點點的溫度，透過我薄薄的衛衣，貼近我的肌膚。整個人頓時覺得心情很好，覺得輕飄飄的。往往這個時候，我會覺得這是家鄉的感覺。每當下過雨，我總覺的是家鄉的感覺。好久沒有感受過家鄉的春天是什麼樣子，記憶里是潮濕的溫熱，也許就是現在的北京。

雨是最經常讓我回想起家的事物。這種從天上而來的水的形態，從來不會讓人覺得乏味。我最喜歡的是春天的毛毛細雨，細小，輕盈，像蒲公英，在風的帶領下舞蹈，似乎永遠不會掉落地面。在這樣的雨中，需要打的倒不是雨傘，而是車燈吧。說起了燈，我就想起小時候下了晚自習回家路上的路燈，下雨的時候在路燈下等人，會盯著路燈周圍的雨看，看著雨落下來，我不知道改如何形容那樣的感覺：那是一個很暗的街道，路燈是橘黃色的，落下的雨拖出了白色的細線，路上很安靜，你能聽到細密的雨聲。喔，那樣美好的感覺，可惜不知道該如何形容，我會呆呆的看著看著，然後就著了迷。每一場春雨之後，地上，樹上就湧出新的生命的跡象，也許這一點在北方更為突出，南方的四季總有連綿不斷的綠色，可是在北方，春雨過後，那噴湧而出的綠色生命，是那麼的醒目而又讓人感動。

南方的雨一下就是好幾天，有時候也會漫長的讓人心煩。坐在門口看雨的時候，眼睛眯了起來，想像我有某種超能力，能把雨想窗簾一樣向兩邊掀開，銀白色的珠子窗簾。很小的時候還會拿個水桶接雨，因為好像有某個傳說是說如果接到一桶的雨水，就可以在水桶中看到某個神明，但是我接到的只有水，偶爾會在桶底看到些黑色的沉澱，久了之後就忘記了，便去尋找其他的樂子。高中的時候課間無聊的時候會站在走廊上伸出一隻手去接雨水，啪，啪，啪，我還能回想起那雨滴的沉重。

過季

2010-04-18T05:47:00.001-07:00

哎，我真的很喜歡在換季的時候出去買點上一季的衣服。而且常常能買到很喜歡價錢也很合適的，可是爲什麽我在當季的時候不會看到咧？噢還有就是感歎下我真是一個窮人。滅哈哈哈哈...今天出去逛街原本是想幫小正太找那件小正太襯衫，結果出去措手不及又敗了一件過季的大衣回來，其實這個季節還是可以穿的，尤其是對於我這種喜歡穿襪子高跟鞋的女人來說。是一件薄薄的黑色大衣，基本款，上面用白色的秀出小小的花朵，排列成魚鱗的樣子。上個禮拜看見就有點動心，這個禮拜還是把它賣了回來，三折耶...

至於當季的衣服，真的很難找到有愛的，在不同店裡總能看到款式相同的衣服，很可愛，但卻又不是特別動心，尤其是想到今年穿出去街上全部都是同樣款式的，就更難有愛了。而在季末買到的衣服，在下一季的時候卻不會有過時的感覺，哈哈也許這是我內心的自我安慰吧。

店員在看我試衣服的時候，笑的異常開心，我就囧掉說怎麼了，她說她當時也喜歡這件無奈比我矮了一個頭完全穿不出去，我又再次囧掉，其實作為一個高出店員一個頭的女人來說，我也是異常的困擾。她在監督我付完帳之後又隆重向我推薦，小姐你要看看皮草么，現在買真的很合適噢。噢，在2%買皮草？我一直覺得它是青少年品牌。

也許在某一天我特別有靈感的時候，我應該可以用過季這個話題引申出某個有深度的想法。但是現在我真的好累好累好累。。。。

Women In Love

2010-02-21T22:12:00.000-08:00

听ICRT的时候听到Jim Brickman 这首 "Beautiful World (We're All Here)"
Strawberry lips shining in the summer sun
Canary tips glowing there for everyone
You fell asleep under the cherry tree
不知道为什么就想到"恋爱中的女人"这个词语.

Hi Curt!

2010-01-24T20:54:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I caught cold and had to stay indoors the whole two days. I got bored and found a intesting webcam chatting room.
Then I meet this cute guy.
He was wearing a green T-shirt, lettered zelda in the chest. He was 27 and lived in USA. He did knit in his spare time. He is soooo cute and nice and I wan to make friends with him. But then, suddenly, the connection gone. I didnt know did that he disconnected me? But we were having a nice connversation. Agrh.. wanna talk him again. He has sweet smile.

Merry Chrismas

2009-12-24T03:29:00.000-08:00

Merry Chrismas and Happy New Year to those who are celebrating this holiday.

I am still in the office, working overtime. Since Chrismas is not a holiday(I know now it is more than a holiday) in China, I wont complain being trapped in office--I worked overtime in my B-Day then who cares about a foreign holiday? Well, yes I know I am complaining--I am kept in office because not i havent finished my work but my teammate hasnt finished his work. It is not that I hate teamwork but I just dont like my life is constrain by other people.

Complaining is complaining. Still I am in office with my guys. lol

This is my first Chrismas in Beijing. How does it look like? Will it be any different? Well let's wait till next year to have the answer.

Oh I hate work overtime..............

2009-12-24T03:13:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I enjoyed myself with Cantonese cuisine. Expensive but plain. It is beijing style cantonese cuisine...not even cantoneser than my cooking.

Then I watched a modern drama called "The Temptation of Eve". Expensive but plain. I am wondering since when do i have such a bad memory(or is it just because the drama is not impressive enough?), for when i want to recall what this drama is about, i could only remember one lyric:"you do not love me" said the heroine.

In the drama, whatever the leading man did, the heroine would only get one conclusion:" You do not love me." I felt fun but annoyed by this woman: skeptical, lack of feeling of safety and -- she told her beloved:"I am so afraid, I feel insecurity. Is all because of you. Do you love me? Do you love me? No, you are lier, lier. You DO NOT love me." If I were a man, I really would get annoyed and want to get rid of this kind of woman. But meanwhile, as a female, I cannot stop myself being skeptical.

There is one kind of women who are safe and happy but they seem to be unsatified by this smooth life and would have to mess it up: extramarital affair? bingo! Battle with the breaker? bingo! Yes, that is the kind--they are skeptical and always think their husband will betray them--sooner or later. They keep tracking life details of their husbands and alert on any hairlike changes of their husband. They will hilarious when they find something:"see, that is what i said".

2009-11-30T22:32:00.001-08:00

今天是十二月一日，终于到十二月了，工作之后就不知道我天天脑袋里想啥了，日子一天天过，但是好像跟上大学那阵子没啥区别。比上学累点，少点自由，每天六点下班（如果能不加班的话），回家就是家庭主妇的样子，煮煮饭，擦擦地板，整理一下房间，再洗洗衣服，做个面膜，瘫在床上看看肥皂剧。天哪，我这正当年轻的人为什么成了这副德行？我不是应该去勾搭几个小文艺青年泡泡夜店啥的么？
上班的时间呢要不就是忙的要死，要不就是一天都没啥事情干，还得应付公司某些男性童鞋的骚扰。一眼望去，看不到一个帅哥。帅哥我也就不要求了，性格靠谱点的也找不到。都是一群自以为是，以为自己多牛多钻石以为我心甘情愿爱他们爱的不行以为答应和我在一起对我来说是一种赐福。苍天哪！！！我真是没啥企图。我只是想要个朋友一起玩啊！！！苍天哪！！！不过还好，我已经全部打发走了。但是我已经好久没有和人进行工作外沟通了，闺蜜果然是重要的。而我现在身边只有一个性格爱好和我男朋友很像的室友，而我最近还常常梦见她变成男的来骚扰我，吓的一身冷汗，人家对我这么好我居然还这么误解她我真是坏人一个。我最近梦很多，梦的很稀奇古怪。
我觉得再继续写下去会变成一篇我瞎囔囔的抱怨文章。我觉得这世界真离谱啊真离谱啊。总而言之我觉得我现在的生活没啥变化，我想要改变改变改变，我想要跳出去，这样活着太憋屈了。我的生活圈子不是这样子的，我不应该在这样的圈子里活着。我要跳出去。

2009-11-30T01:26:00.000-08:00

Getting through November seems to have taken a long time. I am just so eager looking forwards of December and then the end of 2009.

I See You Lyrics

I am not going to look back into 2009. It is a good year but I will get better.

2009-11-24T17:52:00.000-08:00

I never wrote my love story in my blogs--part is because when i began to write, the relationship broke up. Is that a curse? lol as a modern people, bathed in the super high-tech information society and as a IT worker, still believe I that the cautious is never gonna let you down. So I forbid myself from writing my relationship in blogs. Sometimes the so called "melancholy" would drive me write some "perfunctory" love story, nothing but how i loved him and the love would never be stronger--this is what i found in my drafts.

In my drafts, in those papers I have forgotten long ago, I found I was saying "The love is never gonna be stronger and i will never love anyone more than i love him" and an unfinished love letter. Sohow I am sort of afraid of seeing this kind of sentence, it is just like seeing envidance which proved me betraying myself.

When Tom told me "Now I feel more like friends", I realised that however we love someone and though we would never love anyone more than him, when he left, just let him go, life has to carry on. And when we thought that we have loved out all our hearts--no, it is not, there will always a bigger heart there waiting for you. That is me.

Now I sometimes still chat with Tom online like friends. The 1000 pages chatting history remains in my computer and I appreciate those days as sweet memory. Thanks for letting me know that I should never feel down because love is never end.

不管那时候多么爱一个人，也许还是会失去他。爱的时候心里总是会想，自己是多么爱这个人，再也无法用同样多的爱给另外一个人。但是我惊奇的发现，下一次的我总是更懂爱，下一次的我能给出的爱更多，下一个人总是我更愿意去爱的人。每一次的爱，我都很投入。

但我也希望，这样的下一次，不要再来。

2009-11-16T21:09:00.000-08:00

Hey Guys, here is me, blogging again.

Norah Jones has a new ablum "The Fall". I heard it from ICRT radio station for the first time and Chasing Pirates is a good one. The radio station has played this song now and then for the whole afternoon. Although fall has slipped away from beijing, this song bought back some feeling of blue romance.

Listen to the ICRT now this afternoon again and here is the song it is playing: John Mayer's “Who Says” and here is the lyric of the first part.

Who says I can’t get stoned?
Turn off the lights and the telephone
Me and my house alone
Who says I can’t get stoned?

Who says I can’t be free?
From all of the things that I used to be
Re-write my history
Who says I can’t be free?

It’s been a long night in New York City
It’s been a long night in Baton Rouge
I don’t remember you looking any better
But then again I don’t remember you

If u want to see it, here comes the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ppPIbDkRq8

Have I mentioned that now I am sharing a room with my collegue? Probably it is because of four-year's domitory life, i now would even feel uncomfe to live alone, will always feel afraid. Two monthes ago, my grandma died, she is my dearest person of my life. But i was the last person who knew the sad news. During those days, I cried a lot and asked why there was no sign to let me know. I wanted to see grandma again. I was afraid. I dont know why. At one side I wanted to see grandma, came to fareware to me. Meanwhile, i was afraid when night came.

At one moonshine night, we turned light off and were preparing to sleep. I looked out though the curtain of the big window, something black was standing at the top of the window. I was scared but I should not -- that might just be grandma. She didnt come in because there was my roommate.

Then several days later, I called my mum. She told me she could not sleep well and heard noise sound of funitures cracked at night and then, that night my roommat didnot come back and i spent the whole night scared -- i woke up suddenly and felt something was pressing me......and someone was walking at the floor above and the noise of cracked furniture......

Sleepy afternoon..............

Day after days

2009-11-15T23:07:00.000-08:00

Whenever I want to blog something, the first thing i mention would probably be the time. I always say time flies and boring days. But actually my life was not that boring, it is rather sweet now.

Except five workdays in a week, the two-day weekend always is not long enough to have fun of my own. Ususally I would TV the friday night late and have a sound sleep till the next day.
I do not sleep too much now because there is more things to do rather then wasting time sleeping.

After waking up I would go to food market which just located after the house where I live. At weekends there is enough time to make even a feast. But, sigh, my roommate always hang out with her friends at weekend even go out during workdays and it is not that intertesting to cook for myself!

I just realised that although it is the fifth month i stayed in beijing, i still have not built my friends circles. No girlfriend to gossip or shop together who shares the same style or interest with me. How about colleagues? We do have a lot female collegues here but since it is a IT company, most girls here studied science and it is not likely that we could share a common interest.

For the past weeks, beijing had snowed three times and two at weekends. It is so cold that i have to stay indoor. When we have nice weather, i would go shopping, have to shop alone. Last weekend I spent four hours shopping and in fact half of the time was used in the road. lol beijing is big one ~

Work now.....

Beijing has snowed!

2009-11-02T19:32:00.000-08:00

It really was a early snow this year. I remember that it usually snows at the end of November or even later. But this year, wow, i did not expect it to come so early.

It was at the weekend. I woke up in the early morning -- we planned to go to kalaok that day. I pull the curtain aside and push the window open(a big french window it is lol) and my sleepy eyes wide open: snow! heavy snow! and they kept falling down

The scene outside was such a fairy tale style. A two floor building with stairway outside used to be covered in Bostonivy now it is brown and white. The snow liked the tenderest quilt, tranquilize the world.

My Life So Far......

2009-09-17T02:20:00.000-07:00

High School studied Science
University majored in English
After Graduation worked as Software Tester
Well is there anything more unexpected going to happen?

Now I joined Microsoft Dynamics CRM team. I found this work fit me more-- for well, literally it is "dynamics. CRM is an software with powerful customization possible. Thus the testing work is less boring. I was testing some web in the past month and was doing rounds of test pass. It is really boring and anonying--I could even not tell out bugs after the fifth round of test pass. Luckily I was sent to CRM team. After a week's study, I found it is complex and it is until I began to write cases for it did I realize the meaning of Dynamics.

As I said before, MS Dynamics CRM has powerful customization possible. Developers will customize it according to the requirements of clients. Thus the testing work it trigger will be various.

Hmmm...I am going to move to my new place to sleep in soon, huge price cost. But as long as I settle down, my life in Beijing is going to start. It is not a good feeling that to drifting around. Rootless, homeless...helpless.

The lonelier I felt, the more I wanted to be alone.

My new place to sleep in is just in ten minutes' walk to my company and time could be saved for doing meanful things. The place I lived before took 1.5hour or more to arrive at company!!!Got gutted in the traffic jam!:( Now there are two girls and a grandni living there and I will share my room with a colleague. It is an old-style building with red-brick wall covered by green Bostonivy. It used to be the dormitry of 239 troop and now most people lived there are elder ones. It is far from the road so is quite quiet there. :) like it very much. My room is in the floor one and we have a big balcony!

As the national day is approaching, Beijing people are sort of busy :) Red lanterns are hung all alones the streets. Red is our colour, symbolizing joy and vigor.

2009-08-31T02:23:00.001-07:00

想写点什么，但是不知道写什么。
Oh yeah...

哇塞

2009-08-28T02:25:00.000-07:00

我住的地方附近有一所小學，但是卻沒有看到小學生，今天上班的時候，突然看到了很多小學生，於是才幡然醒悟，哦，原來，人家在放暑假呢。校門口有一位老師，手持體溫測量儀，小學生們排好著隊伍，一個接著一個接受體溫計的問候。小學生們穿著深藍白相間的校服，我看著心情頓時好了起來。
今天早上稍微有點秋天的涼了，在這個時節，我卻喜歡穿小背心和裙子，沒有了夏天的炎熱，在涼風中暴露出手臂和小腿，冷冷的，很舒服。
綠油油的葉子在金燦燦的太陽光下閃閃發光。
這是我一生中最勇敢的時刻，沒有可以失去的，沒有已經擁有的，我從來沒有這麼勇敢過。
Show Me What I Am Looking For(ICRT在放的歌曲)
在北京的日子似乎过得很快，今天是周五了，一点感觉都没有耶。

Piu~~~PiuPiu~

2009-08-10T01:06:00.000-07:00

公司的網路實在是慢得不行了，抽空過來寫幾句。
終於又開始做飯了，一個人生活總是不注意花錢，上個禮拜開支的太多，從這周起要好好節約。
週末最好能找個兼職，我喜歡上一雙高跟鞋，雖然估計是沒什麼機會穿，但是還是很想佔有它，要是週末能有兼職的話，倒是可以考慮買下來，上次想念的太厲害，一整個晚上都夢見自己在鞋盒子里尋找它，週六的時候又去商場櫥櫃里看了它幾眼。

在北京上班路上看到的女士們大多都穿的是運動鞋，至少也是平底鞋，因為擠車這件事情可不是能拿來開玩笑的。大擺的裙子也是可以不用考慮，上了車之後發現裙子已經被卡在車門外，或者在人群中裙子被拉扯開來，情況都比較麻煩，所以在北京上班儘量是能穿的多運動就多運動。

我最近開始養成早上洗澡的習慣了。早上醒來之後，放幾個奶黃包到電飯煲里蒸著，就去浴室開始洗澡。洗好之後出來戴隱形眼鏡，然後去冰箱掏一瓶奶製品出來，打開電視，開始吃早飯。可以看看早間新聞，有時候還會看看路況，不過看完之後基本就想把出門的時間再推遲一會兒，北京的早晨似乎很早就開始堵車，幸好我公司早上遲到沒什麼關係哈。

爲什麽要早上洗澡呢？因為下班回到家基本已經七八點了，想洗頭都是干不了，只能早上洗咯，這倒有點事歐美人的習慣，我問過湯同學，爲什麽你們喜歡早上起來洗澡，他說因為晚上在家沒有人聞你呀，白天出去有人聞你呀。但我比較崇尚睡前洗澡，洗的香香的，舒舒服服的睡覺去，第二天早上也不會臭掉嘛。

爭取不加班不遲到。oh yeah。

龍鬚麵的故事

2009-08-04T19:19:00.000-07:00

這是一個很簡單的故事。
時間：八月一號中午過後
地點：我們的房間里
天氣：灰濛濛，雨前的悶熱
人物：四個女孩，Pink的表哥，Pink的表哥的電話的那一頭的人
事件：
同學週末來我們住處洗澡，順便看看我們，正在說著的時候，Pink的表哥就進來了，拿這個電話讓她接，她在陽臺接電話，用她們家鄉的方言講著。我說大家都在這，我今晚煮面給大家吃吧，於是我就出門買面去了，門口的便利店的可愛多在做活動，我穿著睡衣，買了一個可愛多，把鑰匙掛在胸前，就慢悠悠的踩著拖鞋去買面了。
後來我買面回來，Pink已經接完了電話，表哥也迅速的消失了，同學在浴室洗澡，家裡有點安靜，只有浴室熱水器呼呼的燒水的聲音，以及水花濺下來的聲音，Pink坐在床前，我把面放在桌上，她對我說：我要回去了，表哥說給我定明天下午的車票回家。

Super VPN

2009-07-30T01:54:00.000-07:00

猛然間發現連上VPN之後就能上很多在中國被BLOCK的網！我覺悟的太晚了！這個VPN就是一個代理嘛...哎喲喲，這樣子我的博客又能重新寫了！
親愛的Poshi，你改名為Tom了嗎？哈，被你說中了！但是我突然覺得是好的！因為早晚都要這樣！我現在白天上班到6點下班，回到家吃飯做飯洗澡洗衣服有時候還要出去用月光曬曬頭髮，等完事之後已經晚上10點了。我有我的生活，即使我時時都在掛念著，卻也無能為力。

好啦好啦！新的生活我要很努力！大家一起加油！我要開始吥照片啦！

Beijing

2009-07-16T21:44:00.001-07:00

我說要來北京，我念叨了一年要來北京，現在我坐在北京的辦公樓裡，吹著冷冷的空調。
這裡每天晚上都會有雷陣雨，雷聲依舊強大的讓我恐懼，他們說，北京的雨季開始了，我很好奇，北方居然也有雨季么？但這裡的雨下的不會長，一陣一陣的，總是很快就過去。
上班的第一天，我心愛的小男孩告訴我，let's end it. 我坐在電腦面前，一下子就迷失掉了。
我對他說，我是為你來的北京的，他說，你看你看，我已經告訴你很多次不要因為我去做什麽事。來北京，是我心裡的一個執著，不知道從什麼時候開始，在心裡埋下了這麼一個執著，之间有着不同的人支持着我这个执着。但是现在我来到了这里，所有的支持，突然就消失掉了。

继续写这篇文章已经是上班第二周的周五了。正要開始寫的時候，總監Ken把我們兩叫了出去，讓我們試著翻譯一個項目，好開心，我幹活去了！

2009-06-25T09:53:00.000-07:00

也許不久他們就會忘記我的生日，他們會慢慢以為我是巨蟹座，水一樣的女孩，但是在我的內心，我永遠是那樣一個射手，我永遠渴望做那樣一個射手，我永遠都忘不了我是那樣一個射手。

2009-06-25T09:51:00.000-07:00

那时候突然觉得孤单，觉得自己被抛弃了，被不要了，但事實上是我自己不要的，可是轉身的一瞬間，突然覺得心傷。

好累呀

2009-06-12T08:50:00.000-07:00

好累呀好累呀好累呀

今天去做隨同翻譯加打雜。穿著高跟鞋站了11個小時，中途爲了溜出去看看音樂節，還艱難的買過石子路泥土路衝向了舞臺（會展，舞臺都在公園里，到處都是樹木，一出去就迷路）。回來的時候還被批評到，德國人果然是很嚴謹，他們說不是你出去時間的問題，但是你出去了一定要告訴他們（哇靠我出去的時候你們都不在我跟誰去報告去啊我）。

但是今天很開心。

A letter

2009-06-11T04:25:00.001-07:00

親愛的先生：Dear Sir:

想來已經好久好久沒有人在夜深的時候和我發簡訊了，這幾天的晚上很想找人說話，躺在床上只好一遍一遍的翻看通訊錄，找不到可以交談的人。我的話想告訴一個很親密很親密的人，不是親人，也不是愛人，大約是擔心親人擔心，愛人厭煩吧？也許是對愛的不自信吧？
It has been a long long time since someone texted me at late night. I rly wanna talk these days, but i could find nobody. I was lying in bed and revising numbers in my phone. I wanna talk to someone intimate , but neither my parents nor my lover. Just dont wanna my parents worry me and dont wanna bother my lover or am i just not that confidence about love?

這幾天我隨身聽里面下載的的都是新聞報道，晚上睡不著的時候就打開來聽。我的床鋪上有兩個枕頭，我的耳朵要放在兩個枕頭中間的縫隙里，這樣帶著耳機的時候就不會壓倒痛了。我的耳機有兩米長的線，我常常想象當我有了自己的家，我赤裸著腳，帶戴著耳機啊，拉著長長的耳機線，從臥室走到冰箱前的景象。我拉開冰箱門，去取那裡面一盒很大很大的冰牛奶。但如果我有了自己的家，爲什麽我還要帶耳機呢？
I download the audio versions of economist to my mp3 and listen to them when i was having a sleepless night. Two pillows in my bed ha! So i can rest my ear inbetween them--wont hurt when i was wearing the headphone. It got two meter's cord ! lol Imagine when i have a home of my own i could wear the headpiece with long cord, walking bare feet from my bedroom to the fridge to get the icey milk. But why shall i still wear the headphone when i have my home?

今天我這兒很冷喔。都已經六月份了，但是這裡的氣溫居然是十度。街上很多行人都穿上了外套，我也覺得冷，可是我想，現在是六月了，外套是多么不合理的一件事情呀。所以我還是穿著短袖。
It is cold here today. Hmm June now, and the tempreture is around 10'C -.- Many pedestrians have added another coat. I also am feeling chilly but how unreason that one wears a coat in June？So I am just ha, standing in the chilly wind with short-shirt.

親愛的先生，謝謝你聽我說話。
Dear Sir. Thx for listening to me. X

祝好
Regrads

小鬆餅
Muffin

我舍不得

2009-05-14T17:13:00.000-07:00

好像越长大就越不容易伤心，遇到的人多了就越容易释怀。

昨晚我梦见自己喝酒去了，场景是我常常梦到的那个，在那条街上我总是在奔跑或是寻找，这一次，我在这条街坐上了一辆巴士。我抱着电脑坐在巴士上，下车的时候却把电脑包包落在车上，于是我又奔跑了起来。我拿到了包包，就去了一家很小的店吃饭，我说老板，给我下一碗面吧。这个时侯，店里的人渐渐多了起来，他们渐渐变成了我熟悉的人，我们坐在一起，我不怎么说话，但我记得当时的气氛还是蛮好的。我说我想要一杯水，一个男生要了一杯淡淡的饮料，可是端上来却是一杯酒，说是茅台（显得不是那么烂漫了哈，为什么不是鸡尾酒什么的，哈哈）。他们喝了几口，酒就到我这儿，没什么人注意我，我就慢慢把剩下的半杯酒全部喝掉了。梦里居然有醉掉的晕呼呼的悲伤感觉。我不爱喝酒，想喝酒的时候多半是心情很糟糕的时候。喝多了就会多起来呜呜的哭。但是其实每次我都没有喝醉，我都是很清醒的，只是脚步有点飘，心理防线有点崩溃。我在哭，却不知道为了什么哭，只是觉得很悲伤，很悲伤。而现在不愿意轻易喝醉了，连酒都不怎么喝了，最近一次喝酒是因为晚上睡不好，喝了点葡萄酒来安眠。
Last night, i dreamt that i went to get some drink. The plot was a familar one- i always ran or tried to find something in that street of my dream. This time, i took a bus. I left my laptop bag in the bus then i started to run after the bus. I got my bag and went to a small restaurant. I said to the cook:"I want noodle please." Then, the restaurant became crowed and i seemed happen to know these people. I asked for a glass of water and didnt get it and a boy wanted a light drink but came a Chinese Maotai--a kind of strong white wine. He drank it and the rest was passed to me. Nobody noticed me so I drank it. I even felt i was a little bit dizzy in the dream. I dont like alcohol and it is only because i want to get myself drunk to ease my saddness. Then after i have had too much alcohol, i will hide myself and weeping--it is kind of funny--i know i am not drunk but i just feel rly rly sad. I dont drink now , nothing good to get drunk for it helps nothing. The most recent drink is half glass of red wine i used to get myself a sound sleep--only some sip and is nice and healthy.

梦的结尾不记得了，是不是在那边很悲伤的哭，我估计大抵是没有的。我记得的最后一个场景是我对小白说：我最近把被子搬到你的床铺上睡了，不知道你提前回来，今天我估计要喝醉了，没办法帮你收拾了。
I dont remember how my dream ended-- was i crying saddly in dream? i guess not. The last scene i remember was I was saying to my girlfriend Bai:" I moved to your dorm these days and i dont know you will come back beforehand. I think i am gonna drunk today and i dont think i could help you to remove my thing away from your bed...."

然后我似乎就突然醒了。醒来发现昨晚睡前忘记脱掉的睡衣居然不知道什么时候自己脱掉了，心里还吓了一跳，就一下子醒了。
Then i woke up suddenly, to find i had took off my pyjamas--(in dream) and got shocked a bit and felt wide awake.

最近又开始能记得梦境，不过都是很家常的梦。偶尔也梦见自己醒了，似乎灵魂出窍一般。
I can recall my dream again recent but were all ordinary dreams. Sometimes i dreamt i had awake -- just like the soul had left me--astral trip it is called.

越长大就越容易释怀吗？我知道自己会舍不得，伤心还是控制不住，但是嘴硬的功夫却原来越好，我那么说，多说几次，自己就会以为自己的心意是真的如自己所说的那样吧。遇到许多人后，对他们能长久的存在你身边的念想渐渐弱了。也许一开始的时候还会伸手出来，但是渐渐的却只会在原地摆出微笑的表情。每次喜欢上一个人的时候就会爱很爱，爱到不能再多一点爱，后来知道要失去了，“可是能怎么办呢？”“唔，你看，没办法，真的没方法。”“那好吧。”我知道，人总是不愿意改变，起码我是这样的，不是说不改变生活，而只是希望身边的人，不要失去。接纳一个人了，就觉得他什么都是好的，就算有缺点，也完全视而不见，C说我是很多情的，是的，我很容易动情，不论是男孩子，还是女孩子，有时候就情不自禁的喜欢上了，但这种感觉是属于自己的，是自己心里的默默的喜欢,不需要互动，互动或者还会破坏这种美好的感觉。

is it easier to let go after growing up? No. i know i am still reluctant and could not stop being sad.

写了这些乱七八糟的东西，我自己却迷糊了。不知道为什么，明明知道这是自己的博客，明明知道就算被看到也是没什么关系，但是每次写的时候，却很害怕说出自己心中的那一段主题。
After writing all this messes, i got confused myself. I don't know why, i know it is my blog and it does not matter if anyone come to read it . But whenever i am writing it, i am afraid to write down what i really want to say.

其实很简单，以上的完全都是无关紧要的废话，其实只是这样一件事请:　我喜欢上了一个人，也许我要失去他了，我很伤心，但是我还是装出没关系的样子。我不知道要和谁说这样的事，因为在别人眼里看来，这也许是离奇的，无法理解的，不值一提的。他们不会认为那可以算是一段感情，而现在我自己却也怀疑了。
It is very simple: erase all the silly sentimental part, the rest is like this: I fall in love with someone and now i think i am gonna to lose him. I am sad but pretending i am ok. I dont know to whom i could tell about my story for they wont like to listen to this, it is not worth giving spare mind to it--they will reply like this, well, they wont consider it is sort of real love and now i begin to doubt too.

Honey , you said nothing will gonna take you away from me. We Will be together.
I love you.

Get On with Our Lives

2009-05-11T18:00:00.000-07:00

Get On with Our Lives

Elder Steven E. Snow
Of the Presidency of the Seventy

"By listening to the prophets, keeping an eternal perspective, having faith, and being of good cheer, we can face life’s unexpected challenges."

Elder Steven shared with us the attitude of dealing with changes in our lives. Change is an inevitable and important part of life--it brings challenges; it helps people progressing their lives. No matter welcomed or not, changes, good and bad, still come to you naturally. What should you do then? To digest it or to hide from it? Elder Steven pointed out that people who were reluctant to meet with changes were probably because they were used to the comfortable life, or they just felt fear or lacked in faith. He said that"Grandmother's lap is often more comfortable than the trials of kindergarden. Our parents' basement, with unlimited video games, may be more appealing than college, marriage, or a career" -- which is human. How can we then best prepare for the changes we must inevitably face as we progress through life?-- He gave us four advises--"By listening to the prophets, keeping an eternal perspective, having faith, and being of good cheer, we can face life’s unexpected challenges"

Keeping an eternal perspective means we should believe in that all these changes together with challenges they bring are "part of God's plan" and while we make righteous decisions, we will become stronger by undergoing God's test.

Having faith is very important. John Pomfret have said that most chinese people in modern society is confronting with a sense of emptiness in moral life. What is the belief of our chinese people? I dont mean to believe in a specific imagine or religion. It is a belief, a faith, something in your heart that you can rely on and from which you get your strength. "without faith there cannot be any hope" (Moroni 7:42). With faith, one expels fear; with faith, one obtains courage; with faith, ones withstands all the obstacles. By listening to the prophets, we will have an eternal and proper perspective--then shall we firmly establish the faith in our mind and heart--as long as we have faith with us, we should always be of good cheer and at last, may we get on our lives with hearts of gratitude. Amen.

Chinese Version
http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-53-1069-25,00.html

2009-05-10T08:46:00.000-07:00

I love you mum
妈妈我爱你

R u coming to balance me?

2009-05-09T02:19:00.000-07:00

I love sitting on the edge. R u coming to balance me? Rescue?Yes yes, i need that...

Curiosity ruins life.

I do care about you.

Well , today I found a nicewebsite.We can listen to Gospel here.
http://lds.org/conference/display/0,5234,23-53,00.html

The Window of A Fox

2009-05-07T21:03:00.000-07:00

I would like to introduce a set of stories written by Anfangzhizi(Janpanese) and have been translated into Chinese by Pengyi. "The Window of A Fox" is one of my favourite and long-unforgetable stories since I was a child. I dont know any Janpanese but the translated versions are just also very very nice, guess they are nothing bad or even better compared with the origianlly one? I have never read a english-translated version. So I would like to have a try to transalted the chinese version(not the original one) since I am jobless now-_- mwahaha, do judge me if you think my translation sucks and hope you can correct my mistranslation.

I am kind of a big fan of Janpanese fairy tales which were mostly written in simple soft word and bring me tender feelings. Prince saving the princess or wars between witch and poor beauty or dragon fightings which are normally the theme of western countries--most Asian fairy stories are about animals and human( I love timid animals so lol). Well, I am sort of keen to the western-style's happyending stories too. Hmm, in a word, i enjoy tradition fairy stories which I read in my childhood(and keep reading even I have grown up lol).

The nowadays cartoon mostly socks!

The Window of A Fox

-----With fingers forming a square shape, he looked into it a fascinated world.

I could not recall what day it was that day when I got lost in the way back to my cabin in the mountain. Carrying a gun on my shoulder, I walked dreamily in the familiar trail, reminding myself leisurely about the girl I liked very much.

Suddenly, after turning a normal curve, I felt the sky was particularly bright, like a polished blue glass and even the earth seemed somehow a little blue too.

Why? Now in front of me was not the Pine forest I used to see but—I blinked twice—it was an open field with blue ballonflowers in blossom widened to infinity.

I held my breath, thinking: “Have I followed a wrong path? Where am I now?”

"Turn back!" I demanded myself. The view was so beautiful that I was a little scared. But—with a soft ripple of comfortable wind into my face and the boundless field of ballonflowers lying in front of me—it would be a pity if I just turned my way back.

“Having a short rest here would be ok and nice, just a short one” I sat down, wiping sweat off.

Suddenly a white thing flashed in front of me—a small white fox! I jumped up, chasing after it with gun firmly in my hand.

After running to a higher place, the fox dashed into flowers and disappeared.

I had to stop, wondering where it could be.

"Can I help you?" A strange voice from behind.

I was startled. By turning around, I saw a small shop with a piece of blue sign at the door, reading” Dyeing & Ballonflower Shop”. Beneath the sign stood a staff waisted a navy-colored apron. I realized instantly :”Oh, It must be the fox.” (1)

"Interesting, humph, I shall pretend to be taken on and then I will catch it.” So I managed to wear a smiling face, saying:”can I have a rest here?”

"Please, this way please." The staff transformed by the small white fox smiled back with narrow eyes.

The ground of the shop was simply soil. Five Birchwood chairs placed neatly as well as a nice table.

"Looks pretty." I sat down and took off my hat.

"Thanks sir." The fox served me a cup of tea humbly.

"A dyeing shop? What do you dye then?" I asked in half-jesting

"Anything sir, anything. Your hat, I can dye it beautiful blue." He picked up my hat from the table abruptly.

"Nonsense!" I grabbed it back in a hurry,"I don’t want any blue hat."

"Oh?" then he kept judging my upside down,"how about dyeing your scarf? Sir? Or your socks? Trousers, shirt, sweater, all can be dyed the beautiful blue."

I would like to think that, fox, as well as human-beings, likes to be rewarded. In a word, he treated me as his customer and I had had his tea, it would be inappropriate if I didn’t offer to buy any goods. I could let he dye my handkerchief I think. At this time, the fox suddenly said happily:” Well, yes, yes, sir, I can dye your fingers!”

"Dye fingers? Is that not strange?"

He smiled again with eyes squeezed to a line, placing his hands in front of me—two small white hands with thumbs and index fingers dyed blue. He put to hands side by side, four fingers formed a diamond shape, just like a window and held its hand in front of me, saying with great pleasure:" Sir, please have a look!"

I looked into the small window reluctantly—then I was shocked!

What I saw was a mature white fox—a beautiful fox mum sitting quietly with tail lifted. It was just like, a painting of fox embedded in that small window.

"What, who is this?" I almost failed to utter a word because of the tension.

"She is mum. Long time ago, she was Penged…" mournfully he murmured.

"Penged? By gun?"

"Yes, gun."

He couldn’t help holding his hand any more and lowered his hand. Without realizing he had given himself away, he continued:” My mum dead but I just eagerly wish I could see her again. Later in a similar windy autumn like today, the ballonflowers whispered to me in chorus ‘dye your fingers and make a window by them.’ So I gathered many ballonflowers and used their juice to dye my finger. It is so amazing you know. Since then I don’t feel lonely anymore for through this window I can see my mum whenever I want. "

I was so moved by what he said for I feel lonely sometimes too. I brightened my self with childlike happy, saying: "Ah, I also want a window like this! "

"Yes sir, I can dye them now! Please put your hand here." The fox was now turned to a cheerful mood.

I put my hands in the table. He brought a plate with flower juice in it and a brush. Then he began to dye my fingers slowly and carefully. Soon my thumbs and index fingers had the color like ballonflowers.

"Hey, finished, please form your window and have a look at it!"

My heart gave a great bound. I formed them to a diamond shape, trembling it in front of my eyes.

Inside the small window was a shadow of a girl. She was wearing a flower-figure dress, a hat with ribbons. Her eyes, there’s a tiny mole under her eyes…she was just the girl I liked very much but could never meet again!

I jumped up.

"Well, isn’t that good that to have your fingers dyed?"the fox smiled at me innocently.

"Ah, that is really great!"

I wanted to pay but there was no money in the pocket. "I am so sorry I didn’t bring any money with me but I think I can give you anything you want like hat, shirt, sweater or scarf, anything will be ok."

The fox replied: " Well, sir, would you please give me your gun."

I was a little reluctant but as soon as I recalled that I had just got such a wonderful window, I didn’t feel it was a pity:" Ok, here you are."

"Thank you sir, thank you very much." He took my gun and bowed promptly. Then he gave me some mushroom as present.

I asked he about the way back. He told me the Pine forest was just behind the shop and another 300 meter walk with reach my home. I walked to the back of the shop and found the familiar forest of Pine. The forest was flecked with autumn sunshine, warm and quiet.
I never expect such a secret path as well as the brilliant flower-field and the nice fox shop in the mountain which I thought I knew well… I felt very happy, humming a song, walking, placing fingers into the window shape.

This time it was raining there. It was fog-like drizzle, quiet and still. I looked into the rain a vague picture of yard once it was in my dream too. On the opposite of the yard was a set of gallery under which lied a child’s boots soaked by rain.

Suddenly I knew: that was my boots! My heart started to beat wildly for I realized my mum would come to pick the boots!

What would she wear? She would probably complain:"Ya, naughty boy, always throw things randomly."

I remembered that in the yard there was also a small garden. Mum planted vegetables. Perilla, green ones, they were probably also in the rain. Ah, mum might soon came to yard to get some vegetables…

Lamp was lighting in the home. I could hear two children’s laughter off and on mixed with the music from a radio. That was me as a child and the other was my little sister who had gone to the other world.

I sighed, put down my hands. I didn’t know why I just felt really sad. My home had been burnt down many years ago. The yard was never gonna exist any more…

Now I had these surprising fingers so I got everything and was not going to lose them!

But could you imagine the first thing I did after arrived my cabin? Ah I washed my hands unconsciously—it was just my habit. Then I realized something but the blue had been washed away. With the clean fingers I could only see through the window it formed the ceiling of my cabin however hard I tried.

That night I forgot to cook the mushroom but just sat still in dismay.

The next day I planed to return to the shop and asked him to redye my fingers. However, I could never find the original ballonflowers field—it was just Pine forest, a whole forest of Pine trees.

I kept wandering in the mountain during the following days. As long as there was something sounded like fox or as long as there was something white flashed through, I would keep myself alert and search through that direction. However, I have never met a fox again since then on.

Still I frequently make the window with fingers. I think I might see something one day. People often laugh at me for this:” Your habit is really strange!”

(1) In Janpanese tales, foxes as well as leopard cats can transform themselve to human appearances as protections or to make fun of real human-beings.

Yo! what a lovely day!

2009-05-07T01:54:00.000-07:00

Taken and Photoshopped by Myself on 7th May 2009

I received an offer from an University in UK but hmm well, guess i am considering to turn it down. It is in such a hurry if I go abroad and mostly because that would cause my family a big sum of money and I am wondering whether it worth it or not. But I really want to go there because Tom is there. I just want to be closer to him. I love him.

Maybe it will take a bit longer time. But I will just keep trying. Sowwi honey.

(It is in fact not a lovely day and I am just pretending it is lovely. You know a chinese saying that to repeat a lie five times it would turn into a truth. So what a lovely day! Yeah, rly lovely, lovely)

Unconditionally

2009-05-06T09:14:00.000-07:00

I like watching Gossip Girl mostly because the pretty dresses girls wearing in it. And also I am a big fan of the wicked Chuck Bass. In S2E23, he said:"becouse i love her,and i can't make her happy".

Because I love you, and I want you to be happy. I love you because I love you. It is love out of love. Whenever I am in love, I am in it whole-heartedly. That is a great feeling, isn't it? Muffin, dont be afraid, you are not only a dessert. Even if you have to be, just keep ur self sweetie and make the taster a nice feeling--dont even bother urself to leave him a long unforgetable feeling, just make him a happy moment.

Love you xxxx

2009-05-04T07:40:00.000-07:00

2008-10-11 14:08:48
　　海角七号　　　　

昨天晚上看的这部片子，看的时候就像我一定要一定要为它写点什么才好。熟悉的家乡话，熟悉的腔调，熟悉的举止，都让我在夜里蛰伏着的心无限的放大了。　　
打出来的广告是范的最新高分爱情喜剧。但吸引我去看这部片子的是它的电影原声。范的那首《无乐不作》让我觉得快乐，这就是流行乐的好处，它总是那么简单，波澜不惊，无忧无虑，直白的让人痛快。　　
我原本以为这就是一部简单的小青年间的你爱我我爱他然后你爱我我也爱上你然后大家一起快乐的在一起，所以我只留出40分钟的时间打算过一下就去睡觉，但是不知道是第几分钟，也许用日语深情书写的情书，也许是在教堂里那拉到让人断气的阿门，也许是电梯里那个颇似陈的小女孩还有像黑社会老大的大伯们脚上的节拍：谁说我们恒春没人才；也许是他说，这面海这么漂亮，我们自己却看不到，这是为什么呢；也许是他说喂，谈吉他是一件很快乐的事。也许是他说，我是代表会主席，身高170，体重75，今年60岁。我最大的兴趣，就是吵架，打架，杀人，放火。而我最大的心愿，就是把整个恒春放火烧掉，然后把所有年轻人，叫回自己家乡，重新再造，自己做老板，别外出当人家伙计。　　　　
是的，在我看来，这部电影和范帅无关，和爱情无关，和喜剧无关。　　
这是一个关于root的故事。　　　　
音乐是让人快乐的东西，一定不要忘记这一点。　　　　

虽然这是台北的故事，但我从小就是在一样一样的环境里长大的。现在我离开了家乡，当我听到他说，海这么美，为什么留不住年轻人的时候，我有何等的感动。海这么美，我为什么没有留住它，在梦里，我梦不到海，也想象不起它的样子，那海泛着珊瑚色的晚霞以及珍珠的光泽。它没有留住我，却让我无法停止思念。　　　　
还有茂伯阿，无比可爱的茂伯阿。无比倔强又可爱的茂伯阿。纤瘦的八弦琴老人家！　　
还有马拉桑，努力生活的小人物，有点萎缩有时也挺讨厌的，但却是在为自己的生活卑微却不低下的活着，他的存在也许不重要，他的执着却让人感动，他被人瞧不起，但是他却依旧陪着笑脸。　　
还有老交通员！中年交通员！还有水蛭！　　　　　　

还有，那是我见过的最动人的情书

a kiss from duke

2009-05-04T06:47:00.000-07:00

i read a nice story about dog today.
it is about a girl and her dog called "duke"
duke died because of age. and that day duke died was a terrible day for the girl.she kept crying when going to work. then she came across a boy in subway.they had a nice day, cake , swimming and then something, when the day end the boy said :"this year is going to end and tomorrow is another year. till today, i am happy, till today"and he kissed the girl, the girl was astonished, because the kiss felt like duke's kiss.the boy said "i love you too very much. i just come to say this to you , bye, take care" and then he walked in to the street and disappeared .

2009-04-30T08:37:00.000-07:00

今天起来看到左腿淤青8处，很是壮观呢哈...当我滚下楼梯的时候我心里想：原来摔下楼梯是这样啊--完全没有其他的什么念头，估计有一天我要是出车祸或者其他什么生死存亡之时刻，我脑袋里想的大约不外乎是：哦原来出车祸是这样啊/哦原来...是这样啊。

今天表现的很好，没有玩很长时间的电脑，陪菲菲去商场，然后回来做了一套习题，然后看了书，government report & little women & love is letting go of fear。最近喝很多的水，但是还是觉得缺水。明天是五月了，要继续好好的生活。

一天摔倒了三次

2009-04-29T09:33:00.000-07:00

最后一次：今天我从楼梯上滚了下来，晚上痛的睡不着。原来从楼上滚下来也不过如此。

Honey I miss you

2009-04-24T01:32:00.000-07:00

Honey it is raining here and i have been writing paper all day.

I miss you. I always miss you and sometimes this feeling is so strong that I want to hold your hand and tell you. It is now, at this moment, now.

Honey, I love you, you are my one and only. x

Spank the Money

2009-04-22T00:05:00.000-07:00

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/spankthemonkey

Yeah...This is my repulsive addiction! Spank the Money AND GET THE HIGN CHEER music

mwhahaha.....

i was addicted to cereal and coffee in the past week and Indocafe coffeemix is cheap and nice^.^

And I have done something really crazy...

hmmm

2009-04-19T07:56:00.000-07:00

I need communication.
I REALLY need communication.
I need discussion.
I need someone come and talk to me.
communication
communication
communication
communication
communication

West Lake -- Hang Zhou 1

2009-04-18T21:23:00.000-07:00

We stayed at an family apartment near Zhe Jiang University - Yu Quan District when we were in Hang Zhou. The photo above was taken near where we live. It looks a bit rural but indeed it is in the city. I think it is nice that one could find such a laze and quiet place with the lively sound of water and which is free from city pollution but still has convient traffic. It just like a natural rest home^.^.

Hang Zhou is famous as a scenic tourist city. As saying goes:"In heaven there is paradise, and on earth Suzhou and Hangzhou." People always associate Hangzhou with the West Lake. So we headed to the West Lake as soon as we settled down. It was half-hour's walk away from where we live. Since friend and I both are car-sick, we decided just to walk there and meanwhile there must be something nice to see in the way.

We started out at noon. That day was chilly and since it was neither weekend nor holiday, we met few people all way to the West Lake. The cloudy weather did not make us feel gloomy but added to a quiet and peace atmosphere--it was like being shawdowing by big trees- with a leisure mood, I preserved my happiness to myself. It was still in early spring, peach was blossoming but not at their best time. I took this picture when crossing a bridge, wondering whether scenary seen by the character in Lao Yuanming's story would be more beautiful or not?

和菲从住处出发的时候已经是中午十二点了，那天有点冷，不是周末也不是假期，一路走着都没见到什么人，多云的天气并不显得阴沉，反倒添加了一种静谧的感觉，就好像是被大树的阴凉庇护着，所以心情更悠然，有种独乐乐的自得。还是早春，桃花渐渐开放，但还不是最美的时候。上了桥就看到了这幅图像，我想，当年陶渊明笔下的人物遇到的景象是不是有类似的感觉，湖的转角会不会就是那片世外桃源？

And...hmmm, i really cannot recall who he was...SuShi?

And...argh...my photogragh skill sucks! :( It is in west lake and that is Leifeng Pagoda. It was said that once upon a time, there was a white snake who wanted to pay a debt of gratitude to a man who saved its life. It changed into a beautiful wman and married that man and gave birth to a baby. Then the white snake was prisoned into this pagoda by a monk. Why? The monk said because hobgoblin and humanbeing was forbidden to be together and hobgoblin was evil and should be destoried. But indeed, the monk was doing presonal revange because the snake had stolen and eaten his pills which were given by celestial being as a praise to help him become accomplished Buddhist monk(I know my english sucks too...) Lei Feng Pagoda represtents
the oppression towards women and it collapsed in Sep. 25th 1924. The Pagoda we see today was newly built in 2002. "Leipeng Pagoda at Sunset" is one of the ten sights of the west lake and hmm since it was cloudy, we didnt enjoy it.

We spent a total four hours to give a whole walk around west lake...was really tiring!!!(we amazd at ourself when we were back and looked at the map, finding we had such a huge circle walk haha) and didnt take any nice photos due to the bad weather and most was because it was a nice place and i enjoyed a lot and just forgot to take any photo.

Sweet Love Rd.& Magic Mailbox--Shang Hai 1

2009-04-17T23:27:00.000-07:00

I was wondering that how many local people in ShangHai have ever known some magic mailbox~!(Tom said that I am so childish that I called it as Magic Mailbox:(, but it is magically nice!!Indeed!!!) I came across it during a random walk in a cold cloudy day.

At first, we arrived at a place called "Tian'Ai Rd."--literally transtaled in to "Sweet Love Rd." Such a romantice name! Streets and Roads in china are mostly named with cities' names like "BeiJing Rd." "FuZhou Rd." "NanJing Rd." and so on. So when I came across such a sweet name, wow...(cant use English to express smoothy...)

This street nameplate is hidding around a cornor and all the houses in this district have this sweet lovely name in door plate!!!lol I want one tooooooooooooo!

Then, after (I) shouting with hilourous and (i was) laughed by friends, we kept heading some direction...

Then...

Oh! Bang!!!I caught sight of it -- My magic mailbox! It stands there quietly, seems never been disturbed by anyone... What is wirtten under it? See in uself one day, haha i am not going to tell u.

During my stay in Shanghai, I always prepared an envelope with me. So that day, it is lucky that i can mail to him a letter here. And...then...he told me one day that he threw away envelope and that is his habit...-.- I was over-romantic? Anyway, is a nice encounter.

Shang Hai has not nice weather. It was all cloudy and rainy...even after 17 days we back to Shanghai airport it was still no sunshine ... But I like this kind of moisture and a little more sunshine would enable me better appreciate Shang Hai. lol!

4月

2009-04-17T20:26:00.000-07:00

现在不喜欢写博客，因为有些记忆是不愿意留下来的，到了未来的某个时候会害怕去想起来。

可是每每还是会打开博客，写写，然后再Backspace掉。

连应对一个博客的勇气都没有，对生活也缺乏同样的勇气。

我旅行回来，虽然并没有深入，但觉得是足够了。那些走过的地方，所有的城对我来说都是一样的，欢喜只是一时，剩下的就只有不安。前几天去米奇家里做作业，进门迎面是一个大大的窗户，夜景相当让人舒服，我坐在窗户前做作业，米奇在厨房给我做饭，切菜的声音，鱼缸里放氧气的声音，我望着窗外发呆，对归属充满了向往。

2009-03-18T06:47:00.000-07:00

考完了八级，申办了护照，论文的题目也订了下来。这个学期的目标计划基本上是完成了。周末要去上海，说是找工作，但却抱着旅行的心情。八级考的不是很好，护照办了却不知道什么时候能攒够第一笔去英国的钱，定下来的论文题目老师说很好，我还有点吃惊。

sorry

2009-02-19T05:50:00.000-08:00

sorry, i am becoming upset again. tried to write something but failed... all i write is nothing meanful...so i gave up.

I must write something! And please cheer up.

This photo was accidentally taken by me. Summer night, with the orange street lamps blazing peacefully, laze warm wind wandering through your side, students headed home after classes. They were joking and happily riding home. They were still in high school, judging from the neat school uniform. Nothing to worry about and nothing to choose about--study, study, study...Suddenly that scence became vague in front of me. Some foggy-like things are spreading everywhere...time and space is twisting...their laughters floated high in the sky, echoing in my heart, gradually became familar. I wanted to grasp them but in vain...
Night shadows, light leads, the blind can nerver tell.

A Letter to Bruce
yea, i am from fuzhou:) and wow, 2005.8 is the time when i first left home,heading north for my unversity life. Do you like fuzhou? any fantastic memory here? ha. and, 2005,it seems so far away yet also likes yesterday. Four years have passed,and now i am going to change for a third city after graduation. it is quite a strange feeling: while i realise how impotant and glorious my hometown means to me, i still dont want to come back. Maybe there is my last salvation--a place who welcomes his child back at anytime... 　　　　

Fuzhou is raining a lot recently,most time at night and woke me up so easily...:) 　　　　　　

Flower - Xiaoxiao

2009-02-17T04:03:00.000-08:00

I will try to translate some chinese songs to English. This is the first one and I know it is not a good one. Hope I can do better in the future.

Flower -- by Xiaoxiao

Hiding in the garden, she is meditation

Wearing pied clothes, flowers shield her trace

She buried unnecessary defects, picked up confidence

Washed the moldy skin...

I can see you again, she said,

Intending to let you see me again

A perfect me and then eradicatemyself from your memory

I will fall in love again, she said

Dormant flowers expose her breathing

I will fall in love again, someday

But now the garden is the only place she trust

Walking in the garden, she is meditation

Suddenly you can see her, invisible by flowers' coloration

Throwing away orange juice, she drink more water

Washed and dryed the hair

I can see you now, she said　

Intending to let you see the original me again before deleting myself from your life

I will fall in love again, then she said

The flowers had been dormant, she was found breathing under there

I will fall in love again...

The other day she walked out of the gardenwearing a simple T-shirt.

UPSEEEEEEEEEEEET!

2009-02-16T01:29:00.000-08:00

UPSET UPSET UPSET! AGAIN！WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!!!ARGH!!!ERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ROLLING BACK TO BED AND HIDE!!!DYING!

tou2 xiang2
投降

surrender . give in . haul down one's flag/colors . hang out/show the white flag . render oneself up to . throw up the sponge . cave in . yield to .

submission . capitulation(conditional surrender) .

She was faced with two alternatives -- death or submission.
ta1 mian4lin2 liang3zhong3 xuan3ze2 -- si3wang2 huo4zhe3 tou2xiang2.
她面临两种选择 -- 死亡或者投降

STATIC CLING-Confession of Muffin.Z

2009-02-15T21:10:00.000-08:00

Muffin.Z is a little bit clingy, like the furry sock that stick to somebody jeans aften taken out of the dryer. That is called in physics as "Static cling". Clingy is not a bad thing, but while combined with paranoid, wow, that is just annoying : taking others actions personally and end up hurting one's own feelings and still pretending to be "I am ok, it is ok for me, really." Wow, girl, there is yourself to thank.
Wiki defines Static cling as the tendency for light objects to stick (cling) to other objects due to static electricity which is caused by rubbing. Love is just like that. It stems from interpersonal exchanges."Rubbing" may bring pains and end up with chafe but if there is still any chance of bringing warm and heat then it is so necessary. Even without this chance, one should still keep trying, for as the singer Asin once said that :" I am not afraid of loving a wrong person but never be in love. " Most time women play the role as lighter objects in this process. I agree with Lin Yutang's opinion in My Country and My People, that "the second period of woman's beauty...best seen in a happy wife three months after her confinement."
The static cling phenomenon is especially noticable IN A LOW HUMIDITY environment. I remind myself a chinese idiom "gan1 chai2 lie4 huo3", literally meaning "a blazing fire and dry wood", metaphorically means man and woman(usu. improper relationship) get caught in strong passion. This word is first used by Cao Xueqin, a great chinese novelist in Qing dynasty, in his masterwork Dream of the Red Chamber. We always say love is the chemical reaction between people but now we find physics there too. I have heard a story that a German who settles in the southeast of china for the first time, opened the wardrobe and shokingly found there are many white fuzzy spot in the clothes. He was nearly freak out and called for help. This is a real story. Most chinese or southerners may be aware with what had happened. Yes, humidity! His clothes got mildewed in this rainy season! Humidity ruins more than clothes. It creates a foggy curtain between lovers. .... wrote many rubbish... id better stop now. but you know, humidity helps to conduct current!
ok , this is a simpler one:
dry, rub, spark,spark, spark! fire, blazing fire ! humidity! fire got controlled...ok...taming fire, warm and tender. human evolution and electricity on and woowwwwwwwww

i am crazy.......

to be continued...........

2009-02-14T05:41:00.000-08:00

Winter vacation is totally a mess. Growth is painful but stagnation is even more so.
Poshi disappeared for a long time. He wrote in his page that:"Perhaps I only need to be alive. "
This word stirred up my feelings which is hard to define.

Sigh...

do you mind i sharing this with you?
I am really upset recently. people around me have either found jobs or got offers to further their study. But, only me, i still have my future in a vacancy. i just feel really really depressed and i have nobody to talk to. who can comfort me? i cannot do this all by myself. i need somebody or anyone, who is firmly enough to be by my side.