Now, am i having the life i want?

Is it enough that i am with someone i like? Is it important i am enjoying the 100% freedom? I know what i want but i just dont think i can get it. Thus i am fearing to face my real desire. OH what a coward i am !!!For my whole life, I have always been given up things, pretending i cared nothing about that. Am i really happy with my choices? I now start questioning myself without getting answers.

she said that love is like a stone holding in ur hand
if you want to find a better one you have to let go the hand one
but the better one is deep in the river.
He jumped into the river. He said that i will find it.

看电视剧的时候，电视里面说，爱情就像握在手中的一颗石子，如果你想找到一个更好的，就要放下手中的那颗。

而最好的那颗，沉在了水底。

女配角说完了这一番话，男配角就跃入水中，说，我一定会为你找到那颗最美的石子。

是过了有多久，如今的我还是不懂爱。我放不下手心的那颗石子，因为害怕它流离失所。我不敢追求，唯唯诺诺。我以为是我在选择别人，却发现原来我始终是为别人而活在这个世界上。

i havent blogged for a long time even i blog i didnt write down all my feelings. It is becoming harder and harder for me to explore into myself.

I now am fearing to know what exactly i want and what exactly i am facing. All i am doing is being drifted around, let life fool me up.

Haha do you enjoy that?
I wanted to be a good person but now i am such a jerk...

hahhhhaaaaaahah.......................

why i am feeling that i am completely lost my self?

刚刚开过会，会议上刚刚说了上班的时候不能开视频，我现在已经忘记，已经开了youtube的Jim Brickman的beautiful world 来听。

我想一想，9月24号是外婆的忌日。今年回家，到坟上看看了。雨天，路很不好走，小腿被野草挂出了伤口。坟上长了草，我怎么也拔不起来。但是妈妈力气很大。

站在坟前，哭了。我不知道为什么，害怕在爸爸妈妈面前哭，但是从小在他们面前哭得次数也不算少，可能只是害怕他们看到我软弱的一面。

在爸爸妈妈面前，我一直表现得什么都不在乎，我害怕让他们知道我其实在乎很多东西，其实我是个胆小的孩子，但是我习惯了表现出不在乎的样子。就算在他们面前哭，也只能是因为小时候挨打才能哭。就算高三年的时候，学习压力很大，晚上睡不好，考试没有考好，也习惯装出一幅，我无所谓的样子。

我好想外婆。站在她的坟前的时候，却没有任何感应，是不是因为我做了很多不好的事情，所以外婆不想要我了？

其实我在乎这个在乎那个，但是我只是表现出不在乎的样子。

有什么东西可以比得上我宝贵的家人呢？